I don't even know where to begin this entry. It's long and complicated, but it is God's story, so I can't wait to tell it.
Since the beginning, this adoption has been God's idea. He planted the seed in our minds. He gave peace when it didn't make sense. He provided confirmation after confirmation. He allowed us to find the children we fell in love with. He made all the pieces fall in place with the agonizing decision over which agency to go with.
So this week has really been where the rubber meets the road. We have mentally and emotionally engaged in this plan, but now reality is setting in and we needed to make some decisions on HOW we were going to financially pay for this. Most people get a home equity loan and are done with it. Well, since we don't our home, that's not an option. We found a few places that offered interest free adoption loans and grants. They look like wonderful ministries and I called and spoke to them to find out the requirements.
The thing is this: getting a loan totally alleviates the need for us to NEED God. Not that a loan is wrong- I would never, ever say that. God uses those loans in a wonderful way. BUT, this year God has been teaching Brent and I what it means to live in a radical way. We have been discovering that in the US, Christians don't NEED God to show up very often because we are self-sufficient. We have life insurance, health insurance, retirement plans, car loans, house loans, savings accounts... etc.
Not that any of that is wrong. Hear me on this! It's just that we MISS so many blessings because we don't MAKE OURSELVES DEPENDENT ON HIM! Brent and I have wrestled with this a lot this year. How do you really live a Life of faith in the US? Usually we have moments in our lives where we need God to work, but not on a daily basis. We are learning that we want to live life differently than the way we have been. I don't want to get to the end of my days and God show me all the ways He wanted to work in my life, but I didn't need Him to because I'd already had a backup plan because I didn't really think He would show up! (I know that is doctrinally incorrect, but you guys get what I'm saying, right?)
So, after much discussion, prayer and peace from the Holy Spirit, Brent and I decided that we would not take a loan out for the adoption. We would step out in faith and let God be the one to provide for every dollar. It was His idea anyway. If that means that the money trickles in slowly over months and months, so be it. This was SUPER hard for me, because I'm trying to finish all our homestudy paperwork at breakneck speed. I don't want these little Mexican Sweeties to have to spend one day longer than necessary in that orphanage. The thought of all our paperwork being completed, but it just sitting there in a file until all the funds were raised was a very real and difficult reality. But, again came that PEACE. You know- the unexplainable kind. The kind He keeps giving when it doesn't make sense. A total surrender and trust. Ah.
Well, I have to say that right now God has invaded our lives in an INCREDIBLE way. This week God showed off. He just loves it when His people stop trying to control His plan! He wants us to just watch Him work!
This week- out of the blue- someone has decided to bless us with- get this- $20,000. Yes, that's the right number of zeros.
Can I just tell you how overwhelmed I feel right now? I am overwhelmed that God loves us so much that He would do this just because He can! I'm overwhelmed because for the first time I truly put my complete faith in Him with no backup plan and we got to truly see Him work. I am overwhelmed because the people who are blessing us with this support need this money as much as we do. They have given up their future nest egg because they choose to live in obedience and faith also. I am overwhelmed that I am experiencing a little bit of what it must have been like in the early church- when "they had all things in common".
After the tears, the shock, the shaking hands, more tears- I realized that suddenly our lives became VERY clear. Life doesn't look so complicated. Not because we got a huge monetary gift, but because faith is so simple. Worry, anxiety, and fear feel like a dead enemy to me. I feel such comfort and joy in knowing that this God, who chose me and each of my days before the foundation of the world. has each moment of our lives completely under His control.
Even in the midst of such high emotions, a little sadness creeps in when I think about how, in my flesh, I will at some point fail in this simp;e faith. I will again, one day, let fear or need for control creep in. But, hopefully, I will be able to quickly recall this Huge moment of God's faithfulness and sovereignty and I will again step back into daily faith. Oh, grace, sweet grace!
So, tonight, on the evening of Thanksgiving, I must tell you all how thankful I am. Yes, for the physical money- it is a real need- but mostly for the priviledge and honor I feel, knowing that I belong to One who does not struggle with moving mountains. I am His child and I am so glad He invited me into His journey.