We have a date!

Yay! I talked to the homestudy social worker, finally, and we've set up a date for our interview! I'm so excited to actually have it on the calendar! (She'd sent me the dates last week but I never received them because her computer got a virus and ate her emails. Grrrr...)

She's going to try to combine the four appointments into 2 by having extra long meetings. So we're getting together on New Years Eve and then again on January 7th. She seems super sweet and laid back, so I feel like it will go well. And, she said she wants to have it completely done before she goes out of town the third week of January. So that works in our favor!

As soon as our homestudy has been revised and finalized by both agencies, we can immediately send it off with our I-800A imigration form. This is when the US government approves that we can adopt. It takes about 2-3 months to hear back- so the faster we can submit the I-800A, and get it back,  the faster we can send our dossier to Mexico! Can you tell I'm chomping at the bit to get through this paperwork stage? LOL!

I do love all the paperwork, though. It makes me feel like I am DOING something. I have a feeling I am NOT going to like the time period after all the paperwork is submitted and we are just sitting around twiddling our thumbs waiting to hear something. But, I know God has lessons to teach me in that stage, too. Patience. Lots of Patience. I'm learning that the adoption process is very sanctifying....


Unfortunately,  we still don't have any answers from the licensing department about the use of bunk beds. In order to fit everyone, we have to use a set of bunk beds and the health inspector said he didn't think they were allowed. If we can't, then we're going to have to build a bedroom (and, of course, a bathroom)  in the basement for Brent and I.

We had been planning on doing this in the future (I think we're going to need some space for US with 7 kids in the house...), but we were hoping we didn't have to before the adoption. Too Expensive!  There is nothing in Maryland law about the use of bunk beds, but the social worker thinks that it might be  a licensing regulation.

So we're still waiting. She did say that the construction wouldn't have to be finished before the homestudy is complete, thank goodness! That would have slowed us down drastically!

Here's a little sweetness that God sent our way....
We have to submit a bunch of photographs of each room of our house and the outside for our dossier. I wasn't too thrilled to send a photo of the outside of our house because our landscaping stinks. Our grass is weed filled and very un-lush. We definitely need to do some work on the front gardens, but let's just say "it ain't even in the top 10 of the priority list".

I had jokingly said we needed some snow to make our cute, little red rancher look better and hide the ugly garden. Well, we got it- didn't we! A whole lot of snow! That massive amount of snow hid a multitude of sins in our landscaping. Sooo, now Mexico will think we have an adorable little house AND think the bushes under that snow are just as cute! Brent got a bunch of good photos!

Here are some of the things I'm doing over the next few weeks...
-a notorized letter from our health insurance company saying that the adopted children will be under our insurance- was expected to be here a week ago and still hasn't come....hmmm....
-finalizing a date with the psychologist to do our evaluation
-go to State Archives in Annapolis to find a copy of a document that I need another copy of
-start our 10 hours of adoption classes required under the HAGUE convention- thankfully, they are online! We plan on starting them while Brent is recovering from sinus surgery on the 28th! He won't be able to do much else, so perfect timing!
-find out how many post placement visits state in Mexico requires so we can prepay for them according to HAGUE regulations
-have a conference call with socialworker on the specifics of our dossier paperwork! I love this! I'm giddy just thinking about doing this part! I should have been a secretary!

Please read this...

My friends,
You need to read this girl's blog. At least the first few entries on this page. You. Just. Need. To.
Love,
Tiffany

Update!

Health Inspection is done! Whew.
We had the guy come out and though he was nice, he was much more thorough than I thought he'd be. We got called on a few things, but thankfully he allowed us to just write a letter saying that they had been fixed. We had to fix a broken window, get a more recent water test and fix a leak that was under our bathroom sink. The leak was a shock! We've never had a leak there! In fact, it wasn't leaking there the night before because I put stuff in the vanity cabinet and all was well.
The water testing man actually came 2 minutes before the health inspector. Instead of testing the water in the basement like normal, he went back to the bathroom to do the test. The water was running for 20 minutes and I guess it was during this time that we sprung the leak! Figures! The leak started WHILE the inspector was there! Kind of comical, huh?
Anyway, all is fixed and a letter has been sent and our health report has been turned in to the homestudy agency.
Then, as if we don't have enough going on, we- ok, "I", decided that painting the living room, dining room and hallway was the next priority. We hadn't painted since we moved in 9 years ago and when we replaced our flooring 5 years ago we'd put up primed trim, but had never painted it. So, as you can imagine, with four kids, it was dirty and messy beyond belief. Since it was primed and never painted, I can't even get the fingerprints off with heavy duty cleaners!
Brent had to work, but my wonderfully awesome Dad and brother came over to paint with me/for me! Mom and the girls came a few days too and were great helps- especially when it came to the finishing touches and getting the room back together! Thank you, Lord for parents with servant hearts! Dad had to work nights, but he graciously came during the day to help me. He had to be exhausted! Thank you, Dad! And, Jordan, you are the best brother a girl can have! Mom and Sammi and Abbie- my house looks so pretty now! Just how I've always imagined it, but could never pull off by myself! Ab- you should be a designer, seriously!

So this week we've just been waiting around to hear from our homestudy agency on a date for interviews. And getting back to some normal school schedule after 2 weeks of chaos. And getting our Christmas tree. And shopping for presents. Whew. Seems like nothing after the past few weeks, though!

I'm Pooped!

I am so exhausted! It's a good exhaustion, though. Wanna know why? Ok, since you asked, I'll tell you! LOL!

Last Monday, I was emailing a few questions to our homestudy lady and I casually asked if she'd turned in our health department form and how long would it take for them to call for the appointment. Boy am I glad I asked! Apparantly I misunderstood who was supposed to get the Health Inspection Request form! I sent it to my agency instead of straight to the Health Dept.! I was so bummed! I turned that paper in a few weeks ago and now I was going to be behind! (You see I have had it in my head to get this homestudy done by Christmas. I know it is probably unrealistic, but I can hope, can't I?)
Now I had to re-do the form, send it in and wait 2-3 MORE weeks before they even call for an appointment! Count out the "by Christmas" plan!
Ok, can you see where this is going? Already, after such a GOD MOMENT last week, I was already starting to assume control over this whole situation. I wanted MY timeline. My Plan! Sheesh. The nerve I have, right?
 Unfortunately, I didn't clue in to this myself. My loving hubby pointed it out gently. Thankfully, God is quick to forgive and give peace! God gave me a calmness and peacefulness so that I could not be annoyed at my homestudy lady or anyone else that crossed my path! (Oh, I hate when I get like this! Just keepin' it honest, though.)
So, first thing Tuesday, I filled out a new form and sent it with Brent for him to HAND DELIVER to the Health Department across the street from his office.
Later that day I found an email from Brent saying that the actual Health Inspector was there and spoke to him personally! He even set up an appointment ON THE SPOT! For Monday! Can you believe it? I think this all worked out even better than if it had gone right in the first place! So now, we're still on track for finishing by Christmas! I know I don't deserve that, after my snotty controling attitude, but God is so gracious!
And, just because He can, He had the Fire Inspector call and set up his appointment for tomorrow! Whew!

So, the reason that I'm pooped is because we've been working our backsides to the bone getting the house TOTALLY clean and fixed up! Let me just tell you, I've found places to clean in this house that I didn't even know existed!
Brent has been going strong fixing screening in a few windows, installing more smoke detectors in EACH room, taking lots of junk to the dumpster, sorting through every various chemical in our house since certain things aren't allowed in certain rooms, baby proofing (which is so funny because we've never baby-proofed the house, we house-proofed the babies), rearranging our storage room so nothing is stored within 30 inches of any combustion-producing appliance (believe me, I've measured!), putting up a sign that has our house number on it, and vacuuming any evidence of furry friends that make their home in our basement in the winter (just part of living in the country!).
The kids have worked very hard, too. In fact they earned quite a decent paycheck for some of their chores. I think I will find myself broke!
After all this cleaning and fixing, it does feel nice knowing it is done. In fact, I told Brent that maybe we should schedule a Health Inspection every year, adoption or no adoption- just for the pressure to keep it clean! He didn't find that funny. I think I heard him muttering something about getting a divorce....LOL!

SOOOO, we are on the final stretch of our paperwork for our homestudy! I can finally turn in the last bit of paperwork! Next is on to interviews!

Overwhelmed- but you don't want to miss this...

I don't even know where to begin this entry. It's long and complicated, but it is God's story, so I can't wait to tell it.

Since the beginning, this adoption has been God's idea. He planted the seed in our minds. He gave peace when it didn't make sense. He provided confirmation after confirmation. He allowed us to find the children we fell in love with. He made all the pieces fall in place with the agonizing decision over which agency to go with.

So this week has really been where the rubber meets the road. We have mentally and emotionally engaged in this plan, but now reality is setting in and we needed to make some decisions on HOW we were going to financially pay for this. Most people get a home equity loan and are done with it. Well, since we don't our home, that's not an option. We found a few places that offered interest free adoption loans and grants. They look like wonderful ministries and I called and spoke to them to find out the requirements.

The thing is this: getting a loan totally alleviates the need for us to NEED God. Not  that a loan is wrong- I would never, ever say that. God uses those loans in a wonderful way. BUT, this year God has been teaching Brent and I what it means to live in a radical way. We have been discovering that in the US, Christians don't NEED God to show up very often because we are self-sufficient. We have life insurance, health insurance, retirement plans, car loans, house loans, savings accounts... etc.

Not that any of that is wrong. Hear me on this! It's just that we MISS so many blessings because we don't MAKE OURSELVES DEPENDENT ON HIM!  Brent and I have wrestled with this a lot this year. How do you really live a Life of faith in the US? Usually we have moments in our lives where we need God to work, but not on  a daily basis.  We are learning that we want to live life differently than the way we have been. I don't want to get to the end of my days and God show me all the ways He wanted to work in my life, but I didn't need Him to because I'd already had a backup plan because I didn't really think He would show up!  (I know that is doctrinally incorrect, but you guys get what I'm saying, right?)

So, after much discussion, prayer and  peace from the Holy Spirit, Brent and I decided that we would not take a loan out for the adoption. We would step out in faith and let God be the one to provide for every dollar. It was His idea anyway.  If that means that the money trickles in slowly over months and months, so be it. This was SUPER hard for me, because I'm trying to finish all our homestudy paperwork at breakneck speed. I don't want these little Mexican Sweeties to have to spend one day longer than necessary in that orphanage. The thought of all our paperwork being completed, but it just sitting there in a file until all the funds were raised was a very real and difficult reality. But, again came that PEACE. You know- the unexplainable kind. The kind He keeps giving when it doesn't make sense. A total surrender and trust. Ah.

Well, I have to say that right now God has invaded our lives in an INCREDIBLE way. This week God showed off. He just loves it when His people stop trying to control His plan! He wants us to just watch Him work!
This week- out of the blue- someone has decided to bless us with- get this- $20,000. Yes, that's the right number of zeros.

Can I just tell you how overwhelmed I feel right now? I am overwhelmed that God loves us so much that He would do this just because He can! I'm overwhelmed because for the first time I truly put my complete faith in Him with no backup plan and we got to truly see Him work. I am overwhelmed because the people who are blessing us with this support need this money as much as we do. They have given up their future nest egg because they choose to live in obedience and faith also. I am overwhelmed that I am experiencing a little bit of what it must have been like in the early church- when "they had all things in common".

After the tears, the shock, the shaking hands, more tears- I realized that suddenly our lives became VERY clear. Life doesn't look so complicated. Not because we got a huge monetary gift, but because faith is so simple. Worry, anxiety, and fear feel like a dead enemy to me. I feel such comfort and joy in knowing that this God, who chose me and each of my days before the foundation of the world. has each moment of our lives completely under His control.

Even in the midst of such high emotions, a little sadness creeps in when I think about how, in my flesh, I will at some point fail in this simp;e faith. I will again, one day, let fear or need for control creep in. But, hopefully, I will be able to quickly recall this Huge moment of God's faithfulness and sovereignty and I will again step back into daily faith. Oh, grace, sweet grace!

So, tonight, on the evening of Thanksgiving, I must tell you all how thankful I am. Yes, for the physical money- it is a real need- but mostly for the priviledge and honor I feel, knowing that I belong to One who does not struggle with moving mountains. I am His child and I am so glad He invited me into His journey.

One more thing on the homestudy checklist completed!

Today Brent and I dropped off the Request for Fire Inspection at the Fire Marshall's office in Bel Air. I had put it in an envelope and even put it into the mailbox last Friday, but decided early Saturday morning to pull it back out and deliver it in person today while the kids were at their piano lesson. I don't know why, but I just preferred to make sure it made it to the office in person. Also,  Brent knew the Fire Marshal from when he was a firefighter in Hereford years ago, so we were kind of hoping to get a personal connection there! LOL!

We did see the guy he knew and he sat and talked to us for a while. Hopefully next week we'll get a phone call and can set up an appointment for the inspection- possibly even for that day! Yay- kind of. Uh, now the pressure is on Brent to get a few projects completed on the "honey-do" list. Run a new electric line for the freezer since the circuit blew, clean out the workroom area that is a disaster since we did a kitchen facelift, mulch the gardens, cut down the new closet door so it fits correctly, put new bifold doors on the closets in the bedroom, etc, etc, etc.
I, on the other hand, need to do some major decluttering of the school room. I was so pre-occupied with the trip to Mexico that I never fully organized the school room this summer and so not everything has its own "place". It has quickly deteriorated into a room of piles that need filing or tossing. So this is my job over the next week or two.

Blinders

Brent is away tonight and I should be asleep. It's 1:30am, but I can't keep my eyes CLOSED. God has been keeping me up and laying His hand heavy on me tonight. So I'll share with you what I've been discussing with Him...I'm sorry if it's a bit incoherent and jumps around. It is late...

You see, I never, EVER considered adoption before this past summer. I always figured adoption was Plan B for people who couldn't have their own biological children. People who were finally sick of dealing with infertility and wanted to move on.
But, now I feel like I have had huge blinders falling off of my eyes! Kind of like how Paul received his sight again and "things like scales" fell from his eyes!

Suddenly, I am extremely aware of this GINORMOUS need that is in our world.

ORPHANS.

In fact, the number I keep seeing everywhere is 143,000,000.

That's 143 MILLION children in our world who may never know what it is like to be hugged by a momma, or wrestled with by their dad, or had their tears wiped away, or taught how to ride a bike as their dad held onto the back.

They will never know what it's like to feel included in a family. All they will know is abandonment and sadness. If you spend even 5 seconds looking at some photos of orphans, you'll see it. I guarantee it. It's in their eyes, just behind the plastered-on smile they flash for the person taking the picture.

These children need families. God designed children to be in families. To have a mom and a dad who will love them and not leave them. We, of all people, should get this point! We have been hated and mistreated and abused by our first parent-Satan. Yet, God's heart was moved toward us. He ripped us away from our horrible circumstances and wrapped us so lovingly in His arms. He wiped our tears and comforted us, and restrains us even when in moments of deception we run back toward our former family. He even filed the paperwork, signing our adoption decree in his own blood. He calls us His child even when we look or act or speak nothing like Him. This is our adoption story.

Don't you just want to climb to the highest mountain and scream at the top of your lungs how wonderful being an adopted child is? We can.

We have a WIDE OPEN MISSION FIELD, my fellow believers! This is how 143,000,000 people can see Christ! When we show them OUR Father through our hands, and our arms, and our feet, and our kisses, and our smiles- we can radically change the spiritual dimension of our world!

Just imagine if every Christian family started to live out God's command to "care for widows and orphans in their distress". We could pour Christ's love into their lives and they would see what it looks like to be adopted into God's family. But, will we do it?

What if Christians made adoption Plan A instead of thinking of it only as Plan B, like I did? Our witness in this world would look a lot different, I'm guessing.

What if, instead of pouring our money and time and energy into things that we will be leaving to rot for all eternity when we are dead and gone... we got radical?

What if we decided to invest in someone's life and show them what God did for us when He adopted us into His family?

What if we loved orphans the way God loved us?

What if...God is calling you to tear away blinders?

What if He is asking you to sponsor an orphan financially so he can survive a few more months until a family is found for him?

What if He wants you to forego the excessive display of materialism this Christmas and celebrate in a way that would ACTUALLY give Him glory?

What if He is calling you to come alongside an adoptive family and encourage them in their mission?

What if he is asking you to financially support a family who is answering the call to adopt?

What if God is calling you to fast and pray and love the hurting like He does?

What if He is asking you to get rid of stereotypes and prejudices and enter someone else's culture- like He did with us?

What if He is asking you to step out of your comfortable American Bubble and see the children that are a part of His Church?

What if He is calling you to be a soft place to land for foster children who have been tossed aside in our society?

What if He is calling you to be crazy....and adopt one of these children? Just, what if...?

Guess what. He is calling each one of us to one of these "what ifs". It isn't just a suggestion to "care for the orphans in their distress. It is a command. We, His Body, have no excuses. Don't keep blinders on. Let them fall from your eyes.

Our First Adoption Purchase!

Brent just came home from Lifeway and brought our first "adoption purchase"! It's a cd of praise music in Spanish! Yay! I'm so excited!  Some of the songs are ones we sang when we worshiped at Calvary Chapel Chihuahua with the missionaries so I feel like I can sing along.  Right now I'm loving:

Nos Postramos (We Fall Down)

Nos postramos rindiendo el corazon
A los pies de cristo
La grandeza de su gracia a amor
A los pies de cristo

Contando santo, santo, santo
Cantando santo, santo, santo
Es el senor

Need some prayer warriors!

EVERYONE PRAY RIGHT NOW!

I just got a short email from our social worker about the children! She spoke to one person involved in the adoption (I'm still not sure who) and this person said that she didn't think it would be any problem with having other siblings in the home. She still needs to speak to the orphanage director, but so far so good. SO, if all my wonderful prayer warriors will pray RIGHT NOW, as she is making phone calls, that God would have His will done (I hope that means a "yes"!) in the heart of the orphanage director and anyone else that might have a say in the decision making process.

I feel really hopeful right now, but am trying to temper my emotions so if it is still a "no" answer, I haven't set myself up for too much disappointment.

In other news, my kids do not have TB- or as Caitydid called it Turbo-close-us. She's always saying funny stuff like this and it cracks me up! Her other silly one is manure- which she pronounces "MAN-your". We keep telling her the right way to say it, but now she's so confused and can't remember which one is right. (I think she likes the attention when we correct her, mostly!) Pastor said the word "manure" in the past two weeks' sermons and both of us were cracking up. Sorry, Pastor. It wasn't you. Hey, at least she was paying attention, right? LOL!

Taking the PLUNGE!

Well, today was a BIG day! Here are the highlights...
1. The kids had their doctor visits so that their forms could be filled out for the homestudy and agency paperwork. They all did great, though, Cait was a little perturbed that she had to go to a male doctor still. I'd fully intended to find her a female doctor before this, but we so seldom need a doctor that it kept slipping my mind! With the possibility of adding more girls to the mix, it'll definitely need to be on the "higher priority" list!
Unfortunately they didn't have the TB test needles during the appointment, so we had to come back later in the afternoon once they got their delivery. Everyone was so brave and cheerful. Thank you LORD!
2. I got the dog licenses finalized and copied!
3. I'd been having a very difficult time finding the tax map number, parcel number and tax id number to fill out the Health Department survey. I'd even made a trip to the library to look in the big GIANT sized tax map books. But neither the librarian or I could decipher them! It's tricky since we live on state property. BUT, while I was in the government building getting the dog license copy I asked if she knew where I could find all the tax map info. The lady, laughed and said "In the next cubicle!" Awesome! The place was empty and so I had 3 people all trying to find the info on their computers! Everyone was so friendly. (It also helped that the kids were being super well behaved and charming! LOL!) They were able to pull up a sattelite view of our house (note to self: clean up the yard!) and find all the information just from that! Whew! That headache was over!
4. The next BIG deal was that I put all the initial files and forms in a big envelope and delivered it to my agency's office. It also happens to be her home. She wasn't there but had said to leave it hanging on the inner door handle. SO, I'm just praying that nothing happened to our papers by the time she got home. ALL our life's information is in that envelope! Birth certificates, driving records, marriage certificates, a ton of notorized forms, a check for $250, all our personal information- Everything! Talk about an easy identity theft! But, I'm trusting that God is keeping all of it safe!
I felt giddy with excitement when I left the papers. It's really happening! We are really IN PROCESS!
5. And, when I got the mail, our criminal background checks were there! We're not criminals! It's funny, I actually felt a little nervouse when I opened it. I knew there wouldn't be anything on there, of course, (I have led a very safe, boring life...) but still I felt nervous that I would see some heinous activity listed! Silly, isn't it? But, all was put to rest! I'm no criminal! LOL!
6. And, best of all, the kids were over Mom Trautman's house helping her cook for Thanksgiving so Brent and I had an impromptu dinner out- ALONE! I know I'm going to really have to treasure these moments they will most likely become even fewer and farther between them!

Adoption Tax Credit- yeah, right.

Last weekend it was time to do the nitty gritty research on how we're going to fund this adoption. Since the beginning, we have read over and over about the adoption tax credit. In 2009, it was up to $12,000 per child. So we haven't been super worried about the finances since we knew we'd get it back in our refund. All we'd have to do was float the payments until the adoption was finalized and we received our refund. Easy? ....not quite.

Apparently, the tax credit only reduces your tax liability. It is "non refundable". Well that's all fine and dandy for people that have a high tax bill, but we don't! So basically, we have been misinformed.

Again, out came the ugly monster that lives inside me to torture me with doubt and distrust. I was really feeling like the whole idea of adoption was off the table. There is NO WAY we could afford this without the tax credit. I was near tears all day Monday. (Jeez, I hate that I'm so emotional!)

Thankfully, after talking to a few close friends and Brent, I was feeling a lot better about things. I called a tax guy that was willing to look into the situation and research for us. On Tuesday afternoon he called back and said that things looked a little brighter. We won't get the full tax credit, but since the credit is applied before the child tax credit, our tax liability is higher, letting us get more of the adoption credit. (I don't get it all, I'm just explaining in my simple understanding!) So in the end, things look better, although it will not even be halfway paid for by the credit.

So, we now have an opportunity to watch God show off! Right? It is scary to take this step of faith not knowing where the extra money is going to come from. BUT, months ago I asked God to teach me how to live by faith. Now that He's giving us the opportunity, I'm not feeling as confident. But, I will choose to trust Him, even when it doesn't make sense. We're doing lots of praying this week, for sure!

The Roller Coaster Begins

So we began the roller coaster ride of emotions, last week. In Mexico, the government agency in charge of all wards of the state is called DIF. It stands for something in spanish, but I can't remember it. Once our paperwork (dossier) is sent to Mexico, a committee will meet to determine if we are "approved" to adopt in Mexico. Once approved, they will then match an orphan to the family. But, since we are pursuing these particular  children, we will ask specifically for them. Normally, once someone is matched with their child (called getting a referral) they then begin the "loss process". This is when they go through the process to legally terminate parental rights. It can sometimes (often) be a long process while they do this, as often family members are difficult to track down. It also can mean that the parents refuse to terminate rights. It's awful for the adoptive families then, because the referral falls through and they have to start over.

I wanted to find out if the children we are pursuing had started any of their loss paperwork since the agency classified them as "waiting children" on their website. We were SUPER excited to find out that they have had their loss process completed and are fully available! Yay!

BUT, then the roller coaster started heading south. As I was speaking to the caseworker, she mentioned that in the medical report it stated that there should be no other children living in the adoptive home.
WHAT???? I was so sad. We certainly don't meet that qualification. Now, what are we supposed to think? We decided to use this agency specifically because we wanted to pursue these children. We decided to send an email back to the caseworker asking if she'd be willing to contact DIF in regards to that statement. Was it just a "standard protocol" type of statement, or was there a legitimate reason. And, would they possibly consider us? We know it is kind of asking a lot for her to do this, but she said she would.
We're still waiting to hear some results. We know that if DIF comes back and says "No way" then these children were never meant to be part of our family.

But, then we also have to make another difficult decision. In the midst of all the research and paperwork gathering, I got a recommendation for another agency that has a program in Mexico. It's a solid Christian agency that is run more like a ministry than a business. It's very small but also WAY cheaper than Gladney. Like almost 2/3 cheaper. But, they haven't been in business as long and don't have as many contacts as Gladney (which has been around for 120 years). I've heard glowing reviews of them, and spoken personally to the Mexico Caseworker and feel very sure that it's a good agency.

So, if DIF's answer is "no" then we have a big decision to make. Stay with Gladney or switch to the smaller agency- Generations. Of course, we'd be out the $300 Application fee, but we'd save so much in the long run it wouldn't even matter.

So right now, I feel like we're in a holding pattern. I have all my initial documents all signed and ready to hand in to the homestudy agency here in town, but since a few of them are specific to Gladney, I'm hesitant to turn them in just yet. I hate waiting. I feel so unproductive! But, I know God is just using this time to show me that none of this is going to happen on my timetable. Another way of learning to trust Him in the details. Oooo. This is hard.

Who Am I?

My past is haunting me! When I was 18 I legally changed my last name to Bosse. Unfortunately, I am learning that I should have gotten a new birth certificate to go with the court order. Ugh. So after a few hours worth of phone calls Brent and I (and the kids) headed to Reisterstown to Vital Records for an amended birth certificate! Yay! It took 10 minutes! Easy Peasy. (Actually, it makes me nervous HOW easy it was. I hope it's the right thing! LOL!)

While we were there we headed to the other side of the building to the Criminal Justice Information System (CJIS) for fingerprints and to pay to start our criminal background check. I was giddy with excitement. It's a shame that every person that worked in the offices that day were cranky, nasty people. Oh, well. They weren't going to spoil our joy! I smiled like an idiot to every person in there, anyway!

How it all started... cont.

Once we came home from Mexico we felt like we could again devote our minds to the leading of the Holy Spirit in regards to adoption. Was He still leading us to this? Some days I felt so sure He was. Then other days I doubted the call. I didn't trust my own feelings. This had to be His doing. He had to make the puzzle pieces fall into place.

Honestly, I wish that I could just write that I stepped forward into this adventure with loads of faith and confidence in what God was calling us to do. But, unfortunately, I have had my ups and downs with my lack of faith. (Just trying to keep it real!) Thankfully, God has given me a very steady and perceptive husband who can help me sort through all the emotions and figure our where my heart was not submitted to God.

Strangely, all the things that would hold me back normally (such as the fact that I'd be a mother to SEVEN, one with possible special needs, how would I cook for so many, how would I have time for so many, how would I homeschool so many, I'm not patient enough, I am lazy, I don't know how we'll have the money...) were the things I TOTALLY had a peace about. It doesn't make sense. But isn't that just like Him? He loves not making sense!

Weeks passed. I started making phone calls, finding agencies that have programs in Mexico. (Less than 5!) Two of them are closed to new families. One other I called and it failed the "warm and fuzzy test". (You know, the completely objective one...). Gladney Adoption Agency is the agency we really liked and also the one with the pictures of these precious children we'd seen months ago. I called and had a 2 hour conversation with the Mexico Caseworker. She was extremely friendly and answered tons of questions.

We really felt like God was calling us to these particular children, so that meant we needed to go through Gladney.

After two weeks of sorting through questions and praying tons, we finally decided to send in our Application and Fee. Whew.

Then came a flurry of emails with tons of attachments. LOTS of documents to fill out, gather and authenticate.

Plus we needed to find a homestudy agency in our state that is Hague Accredited (international adoption law certification). God is so good! He led me right to a place here in town- Global Adoption Services! The lady, Judy, is super sweet and must have incredible patience since I've plagued her with phone calls and emails ever since the first contact!

(Anyone not interested in paperwork organization can zone out here....)

I got myself a 21 pocket accordian file and spent several hours printing, setting up folders and deciding what document to put where. Then more email attachments came and I had to redo it all! LOL! So far the system is working...I've kept it simple. There are 3 sets of documents.
1. Homestudy
2. Gladney Agency
3. Dossier
(I think I'll end up with a fourth when we have to submit a bunch of stuff to immigration, but I'm not there yet, so I'm not trying to plan too far ahead.)

So basically I have a "to do" folder and a "done" folder for each of the 3 sets of documents. Also, I set up a blue colored folder for any current documents that are ready for notorization. This is easy to spot and I don't have to dig through the pile of docs in each "to do" folder.

Oh, and both agencies included a checklist of documents to turn in, but most of the documents need additional documents attached to them. To keep all of it straight I made my own list on the outside of the manilla file folder. That way I don't have to flip through the file to find the checklist. It's so fun to see a bunch of items crossed off! Still a ways to go though!

How it all started...

Well, here we go! A blog just to document this amazing, crazy, completely humbling adventure that God has just begun with us.... International Adoption.

Let me start at the beginning...I apologize for the epic sized post but there's been a lot happening!

Two years ago (2007) our lives started becoming intertwined with Mexico. Chad, a missionary our church decided to support, came to speak to our congregation. This spurred interest in the young men of our church to go to Mexico to help Chad build a ministry base house. I volunteered to plan the trip, which was totally foreign to me. I learned a ton about researching, about Mexico, about international travel and laws... and in the process started to fall in love with this country. Brent traveled to Mexico on that trip and loved it. I fought with some jealousy with not being able to go, but over time, God helped me get over it.

Then, two years later, in June of 2009, they returned to Mexico. Their trip this time was not as physical, but much more outreach and relational. This had a huge impact on Brent. He called several times and I knew I was speaking to someone who had undergone a deep spiritual change.

Meanwhile, I'd been going through a horrible spiritual funk. (I can't even think of a better word.) I was mildly depressed, slightly in rebellion to my husband, and disgusted by my utter lack of devotion and love for the Lord. I felt so distant from Him and even became plagued with doubt over my own salvation.

The night before Brent was due home from the trip, all the emotions and distress came to the breaking point. I cried and sobbed my eyes out. I prayed from a desperation that I've never had before. I begged him to shake me out of my apathy. I couldn't conjure up the love or desire. I didn't want just head knowledge with minimal love. I wanted to love Him with all of my being. Nothing held back. No matter the cost. No matter the pain. Even though it was terrifying to get to that place of surrender, it was real. The most real I'd ever been with Him.

And then. Then! Within 24 hours God flipped my world upside down. First, He mercifully gave me peace that I couldn't explain. Then, Brent came home. We talked over a bunch of issues that we'd been dealing with. The next day God plopped me in a Sunday School Class where He was totally speaking directly to my heart. Could I give up everything for Him? Was He worth it? I couldn't stop crying in class and was a blubbery mess, but full of thankfulness the whole day. When Brent and I finally had a chance to talk more, he said that we NEEDED to go to Mexico together as a family. We didn't know how we were going to manage that financially, but God was telling us to just go.

Then we talked about this crazy comment he'd made to me on the phone while in Mexico. About Adoption. "What would you think about adopting from Mexico?"

"Huh? I've got my hands full. Four is plenty. I have never had any desire to adopt. Great for other people. Not for me." Those were all the things I WOULD have thought....Except I didn't. I don't know why, but none of them crossed my mind. Instead, I said, "okay".

Life got busy. Planning a family trip to Mexico is time consuming so I didn't give much more careful thought about his comment. But one night while Brent was working late I was bored and typed "adoption" into the google search box. Sifting through the bazillions of posts, somehow God finally landed me on one particular website with pictures of these absolutely stunning children waiting for a family in Mexico. I was captivated. I couldn't stop looking at them. There were plenty of other children, but my eyes were only for them.

And then my heart just broke. A group of siblings who were lonely. Alone. I read somewhere on the site that Mexican people are very open to adopting children. But, like Americans, the majority only want infants or young toddlers. If they are part of a sibling group it is near impossible to find them a home. So they stay in an orphanage. Surrounded by people, but still alone. Not belonging to anyone. My heart broke more. It just wasn't right. Children were meant to be in families.

Brent walked in the door to find me surrounded with tear- filled tissues and puffy eyes. We talked, I cried, days passed. I wondered... Is God wanting us to adopt?.... We can't get overly emotional over these pictures.... It can't be an emtional response.... So we distanced ourselves from them. I tried to put it out of my mind. After all, I had the biggest trip I'd ever planned to tackle. And we did. God took the hype away from both of us. We became more objective. We prayed. We talked. We prayed more.

Then God took us to Mexico. Oh my. How God used this trip to intensify the change He had promised to me that desperate night back in June. It wasn't the beginning of "the change" but He did use it to show me Himself in a totally new way. I learned so much of the Holy Spirit and what it means to be filled and how to walk WITH Him while in Mexico. And the funny thing is, I hardly even thought about adoption while in Mexico.

And, in the midst of all of it, Brent and I fell in love with this strange country. I can't even explain it. It felt like home. The weird thing is that the city felt like home. And I am NOT a city lover. I loved the Sierra (mountains), but the city has continued to have a strong pull on both of our hearts. I still don't know what God is doing with that whole feeling. Time will tell....

I'll continue in another post.

Waterfall near our house

Elsie Dinsmore

This is a very cool story!

A year ago, Caitlin ran a 5K race. She solicited donations and ended up winning a low rider bike since she was the highest donating youth. The bike was not something she was going to ever use, so we told her she could sell it on craigslist.com and use the money to buy the $100 Elsie Dinsmore doll that she has been drooling over for a LONG time. Months and Months passed and that bike just would not sell.

Finally, we got an email from Chad Rizzuto, the missionary in Mexico. He let us know that Karla, Caitlin's pen pal in the Copper Canyon, needed a computer for school but didn't have all the money for it. Caitlin decided to raise money from her friends and family to help out. Also, she agreed that she should relist her bike and use the money towards the computer. I wasn't too hopeful since I'd tried to sell the bike for months with no success. Would you believe that I had a buyer for that bike within 24 hours?!!!!! Of course, you would! That's just how God is! LOL!

So, Karla got her computer, and Cait was left with the joy of doing something sacrificially for someone else. Still, I knew her desire was for this Elsie doll, but we wanted her to earn the money on her own. We don't give an allowance, so any money earned is above and beyond her regular work. $100 is a lot for her to earn when our jobs pay $.50 to $1.00! Amazingly, we were able to find a new doll for $20 cheaper on Ebay! And she was able to earn, was gifted, and sold her gerbils for just the amount she needed! She has really appreciated this doll so much more with all the effort that went into getting her. She sees the doll as a blessing from God!

Pioneer Girl Camp

This past school year Wendy Bynion and I lead the Explorers group at Pioneer Clubs. It was a year full of fun and stretching and growing for me. I really love the girls and my heart soared when I could see the growth in their walk with the Lord. There were difficult moments and some tears shed (we have a lot of estrogen flowing in that room!) but God used each opportunity as a way of reshaping my heart to resemble Him more. Even though I'm not doing Explorers this year (our family is taking a year off), I know that I have wonderful relationships with a core group of girls that are really becoming passionate for Christ. It is so exciting to see! I continually pray that He would draw them closer and closer to Him.

Here are some silly pictures of Camp'09.

Small Group Half Day of Prayer

In small groups we have been doing the Navigators' 2:7 Discipleship series. We finished book 2 this spring and as part of the lesson it has you spend a half day of prayer. Brent and I had done this 2 years before when we went through the class the first time and I LOVED it. I am so glad I had the opportunity to do it again!
Everyone met at our house at 8:30am and spread out through the yard and house for several hours worth of individual prayer time. Wow. I cannot tell you the life-changing event that that this has been both times now. The only problem is that it is too short!

It is amazing how God continually revealed Himself during the hours. I enjoyed so much the devoted time to praise and thank and basically just revel in all His glorious attributes. Then, the most life changing part is during confession time. I am so grateful that He is teaching me to hate sin like He hates sin. I am too often blind to it in my own heart, though.

During this extended period of time it is nice to actually have the time to let Him put thought after thought into my mind. It is all His mercy! He wants sweet fellowship with me so he reminds me of the things that cause there to be a barrier to that fellowship! Oh, how the praise starts spontaneously flowing all over again, then!

Unfortunately, my time of intercessory prayer was cut short because I took too long on the other aspects, but intercessory prayer is what I do most of in my daily time. I was so thirsty for undivided attention to praise and confession that I know that's what He wanted most of all.

After we all met back at the house we went to lunch at Tidewater Grill in Havre de Grace where we shared the ways God met us during our individual times of prayer.

God is good. I need to do this more often!

Botany and Chicken Pox

In looking ahead to a busy and rigorous workload this upcoming school year, I decided to try to get our entire science curriculum completed during the summer. We haven't been successful (it's mid September and we still have to finish 1 chapter!), but we got the bulk of it finished.

The topic was an in-depth study of Botany using Apologia Elementary Exploring Creation Through Botany by Jeannie Fulbright. We've used 3 other of her books and have absolutely loved them. They are a full year of one field of science that allow you to really delve deep into the topic and know much more than you would if you jumped from subject to subject for each chapter as in a textbook.

Here are a few pictures of our Flower Disection. As you can tell, there are also a lot of spots all over the kids faces. That's because everyone got Chicken Pox in April! Melanie's family had the Pox, so we had a Pox party in hopes that our kids would get them naturally since we'd opted out of the vaccine. It worked! Cait and Grant had them the worst but they were all troopers and it wasn't nearly as horrible as I remember it when I had them at age 13! Benadryl also eased the itchies- thank goodness!

Trautman Family Trip

For Dad T's 60th birthday the whole Trautman clan congregated in a HUGE house in Virginia Beach. We had a wonderful time. The weather was beautiful and the kids even got in the water even though I think it was too cold!

Spring Recap

This past March Grant went to Kentucky with Mom and Dad Trautman to see Ryan's Basic Training graduation. It was a 5 day trip-the longest he's been away from us. He had so much fun and still talks about it months later. He loved the tanks and guns and the army hat and folder that Ryan bought him.

We also renewed our Aquarium membership in hopes of going more often this year. The kids absolutely LOVE it there. When we go we take drawing books and hang out wherever they like to for as long as they like. Isn't this such a fun picture?


And this one?


And here is a rare one with me in it. I'm usually the one with the camera so there are hardly any pics of me.
We were able to take a trip to Sight and Sound to see Behold the Lamb. This is the third performance we've been to and it has been wonderful each time. BUT, my favorite was the Psalms of David in the tiny Living Waters Theater.
Can you tell that we were squinting into the excruciatingly bright sun? LOL!

Quick Update!

I just wanted to update what's been happening around here lately. School has been finished since the last week in April and we haven't had a single spare moment since. After Pioneer Girl Camp was finished, I dove into this new kitchen facelift project that I've been thinking about for the past few months.

Our cabinets are completely shot. In many places the coats of varnish and the stain are worn away down to bare wood! So, after getting Brent's reluctant approval to paint them, I started researching... and researching.... and researching. I had no idea what look I wanted. Black? White?
And, of course, we need to repaint over the purple and yellow walls (what was I thinking?). And, you know, the counter is buckling in places because there is no caulk between the counter and backsplash. Then, I found them....

Home Decor Blogs.

I had no idea that I would enjoy home decor so much! But, really, I'm so NOT a creative, design minded person. I've NEVER known what look I really like. Modern- sure, some aspects. Traditional-ok. Country-if it's not overdone. Shabby chic- as long as there's not a lot of floral. Cottage- yes! Love it! Pottery Barn- wish I had the $$ for it!

So, with laptop in hand (or on lap, more accurately) I have been slowly deciding on the "look" for my new kitchen.
What started as a PAINT THE CABINETS project has morphed into:
Demo the left side of the kitchen- never so glad to see them go!
Move the fridge to the other side of the kitchen
paint ceiling- really beautiful cottagy look
replace light fixtures- due to electrical shorting in the old ones
paint walls- what an agonizing decision! But I love the color we decided on!
get a few new cabinets for FREE from Oakcrest from Eric! YAY!
paint cabinets- after 2 different primers and 2 different brands of paint, I've finally gotten about 12 cabinets done... still working
Next up.... finish cabinets, find new hardware and spray paint hinges white so you don't notice them, remove old counter, repaint backsplash area (cause I KNOW it'll be a mess!), install new (Lowes' in stock) laminate counter and a 36 in section of butcher block from Ikea, add some trim to the top of the cabinets, and finally, replace flooring in kitchen and on stairs landing.

I don't want to post any pics until it is fully done...Well, that and the fact that I'm too embarrassed to show you the insides of my cabinets while the doors are off, and the fourteen hundred paint cans on the floor that I need to return.

Saying Goodbye

A few years ago a man swooped into our lives that forever changed us. This was Deiter Jacob. He was an amazing person that we had the great honor of getting close to.

Deiter was born and raised in Nazi Germany and even worked for the KGB. He hated the regime and saw the horrors of it and wanted out. He had an unbelievable story. After trying to escape the country several times, he was finally successful by diving over a train track (I think), over a steep hill, rolling down it into West Germany all while guns were firing at him overhead.

I don't know all the details of the rest of his life, but I do know that it was hard. As an elderly man he came to know and love Christ. It is an amazing testimony to the dramatic change God can do in a hard-hearted, cynical, grouch of a man and turn him into a tender, loving, passionate brother in Christ. He fell in love with Ann after meeting on a hiking trail and were married late in life.

Several years ago we were in a small group Discipleship class with Deiter and Ann. It was a great time of accountability and tons of questions and discussion. Deiter was never one to be without words and he could outlast anyone in a conversation. That's because his German was still broken enough that you had to really concentrate on his words! LOL! He'd always end it with a squeeze on the arm and a big smile and a comment about how much he loved you.

He loved children so much and our children adored him. He taught them all kinds of things about hiking and plants and tools and loved to snuggle and stroke their heads. I had to constantly remind the boys not to wrestle with him since Deiter would never say no to a good wrestle. I don't think he liked to be reminded of his age and limitations!

Unfortunately, the day after he became a citizen, he had a stroke that left him without much ability to communicate or move. It was so hard for such a strong man to be without any control. We truly were blessed the times we were able to go visit him and see his old smile and mischeiviousness flare back up.
He went to be with the Lord, and we miss him dearly. Yet, I am so glad to know we'll be seeing him again someday.

Pine Wood Derby

The highlight of February was the Stockade Pinewood Derby. The boys had been dutifully working on their cars each week in clubs. They decided that they wanted their cars to be a surprise for mom so I was banned from the work area of the basement and was pushed away whenever there was talk of colors or stickers or names. It was so cute!
The big day arrived and I finally got to see their cars that they had done ALL BY THEMSELVES! They did a great job. So many of the other kids had fancier, more perfect looking ones, but it is obvious that the parents did most of the work. That's fine, but I was super proud of their work that they had created without much assistance.

The races started and boy, do these kids and parents really get into this thing! There have even been issues of parents helping their kids cheat just so they can win! WHAT? I just don't get it. It's just so...so...so TEMPORAL! I mean- it is great to have fun, make a car, race, laugh- but come on, it's not something to succumb to cheating over! Ah... I digress...

Jake had created his car sleek and streamlined and painted it silver-calling it the Silver Bullet. And, he did really well! His car was in the top running for a while. Then during the last set of final races, they allowed the boys to re-graphite the wheels and I think (I'm not fooling anyone. I have no idea. I'm just repeating what the men said.) that it bogged down the wheels because he suddenly started to slow down. It's ok because he still did well and won a trophy! Pretty cool for his first year!

Grant's car didn't do as well on the track but it did place in the finals for design. Even though there were other more ornate cars, the judges were looking for creativity in design. He called his Wrath of God and painted it a bright fiery orange color! Isn't that hysterical! You couldn't miss it either. It was BRIGHT! And he did win a trophy for good looks!

Since Jake came in high enough in the ratings we got the "priviledge" to attend the Regional Derby Car race. Oh Joy! This event is really a test of Brent's and my commitment to parenting. We love our kids and are excited about the things they are excited in, but going to two of these races a month apart was a true test of self denial. (I feel utterly ashamed of myself, now.) Unfortunately, I forgot our camera and I don't have any photos of the Regional. Lets just say it was a LONG day. It was more fun helping serve the food with Wendy- for the kids, too.
Oh, well, I will have recovered by next year and will have renewed vigor and enthusiasm! LOL!

Birthdays!

Grant turned 10 and Quinn turned 5 this January! We don't do parties every year, but since this was a special one for both, we decided to have a combined celebration. Since we couldn't do it until February, we let each boy pick a restaurant on their actual birthday. Grant chose Outback so he could get some STEAK! Can you tell he's growing up? (These kids are starting to cost a fortune when we go out to eat! No more kids meals! Grrr...)
Quinn, on the other hand, wanted no parts in a restaurant this year! All he wanted was to be home and have tomato soup and grilled cheese and decorate cupcakes! LOL! I kept trying to talk him into going to a restaurant (one less meal for me to cook, right?!), but he was insistent! This child is no pushover!

Then later in February we had their party. Grant was thrilled to get a multipurpose tool which he's been drooling over for a while. I'd been telling him that there was no way I was letting him carry around something containing a knife, so he didn't think he'd actually get one! I think he was pretty surprised!
I was having a hard time finding a gift for Quinn since we'd given him his heart's desire at Christmas- a cowboy costume. There was really nothing that he wanted, so I got him a mini trampoline- something I wanted! Oh, not for me! For my hightly bouncy children who constantly use my sofa as a "bounce-a-line" (as they call it!) I had hoped that it would curb the desire to use the furniture but alas, it has only caused them to want to jump off the sofa and onto the trampoline!

It was a little hard choosing a theme for the party since Grant wanted a Knight theme and Quinn wanted a cowboy theme. So, we combined. The cousins came dressed as either a knight or a cowboy and all was well. I don't go overboard with party decor and games and all, (Caitlin's 5th Princess Party did me in forever!) but they did request a castle cake. It turned out cute and they were happy!
Happy Birthday Grant and Quinn!!!

Tuesday Tea

This year we've been using Tapestry of Grace for many of our subjects. Part of the program includes a time of discussion over what they've retained from their reading. It holds them accountable for their comprehension and then gives me the opportunity to help (the older ones, at least) start to make some mental connections. We discuss the ramifications to certain belief systems, talk about the correct Biblical response to certain things in history and many other next level of logic thinking. Thankfully, I have a wonderful teacher's manual that walks me through the Socratic method of "teaching by asking questions".
This discussion time has the potential to really be a drag because it makes them really mentally work for the information. No multiple choice or true/false here! They have to synthesize, analyze and then present (in complete sentences) orally their case for what they've learned. It can take a lot of brain power! So, I instituted Tuesday (or sometimes Thursday if we had a heavy reading week) Tea. I break out all my wedding china, make some fancy luncheon sandwiches (really just PB&J cut into 4 triangles!), put out some hot water for their tea and we have our discussion over tea. It has really caused the discussion time to become a highpoint in our week. They look forward to having something to say that makes them sound knowledgeable.
I love that we are creating memories and learning at the same time. And, it really is giving me a window into their minds. I love that I can see them make big, mental connections to heavy weighty topics. It is spurring them on in their convictions and causes them to wrestle with their worldview. We've covered some pretty meaty stuff like: how to witness to a Buddhist, the understanding of covenants, persecution in history and how it could be our future, the danger of humanism, the effect of the desire for power, and my favorite- their personal faith testimony. It was interesting to see them be honest and transparent as they questioned their own faith to see if it was true.
I wouldn't trade these moments for anything!

A Perfect Homeschooling Moment

Early in January we had one of those dreamy, idyllic homeschool moments. The kids had been playing "colonial days" complete with dress ups, the sofa arm horse, and Jake pretending he was Ben Franklin inventing some new contraption. Dad Trautman had given him all the components to make a bell ring from electricity, but hadn't yet taught him how to set it up. Since the boys had received electricity kits for Christmas they'd been getting some instruction on circuitry (is that the right word?) Just so you don't get ANY wrong ideas, I did absolutely NO instruction in this. It was all Uncle Dave on New Years and DadDad while Mom was in the hospital!)
Anyway, as they were playing, Jake figured out how to make this bell ring! I was quite impressed! They all crowded around and took turns connecting the wires to different places to experiment on the sound. I think he's going to be our engineer!

A Sad Ending to the Year... Part 2

ATTN: this is a long and drawn out, and full of gross details, but I couldn't figure out what to leave out. I'm sorry. Just skip it if you want!


So, home we went. Mom and Abbie and Sammi were watching the kids and puppies (yes, that mayhem was all going on right then, too. Never a dull moment. Did I tell you how much I owe my mom and mother in law?LOL!). Unfortunately, they had been playing beauty shop and Grant had twisted Abbie's hair around a round brush and it was really caught. Really. Knotted. Bad. In fact, it was so bad that it took me several HOURS to get it out. She was such a sport though and honestly, it was a healing moment for me. I was able to sit on the bed with loved ones and laugh. I sooo needed that right then.

My midwife was so deeply sorry about all we had gone through at Mercy. She really went to bat for me and spoke to the head of the L&D dept at Mercy. He was upset at how we'd been treated and volunteered to give me a d&e personally on Monday. I wasn't too thrilled with the whole idea of going back, but felt trapped and had no other options. My midwife had tried to get the doctor that did Tara's emergency c-section with Saige since he was so great, but the office said no. So, I had to wait the weekend to go back to Mercy.

Well, God, in His mercy allowed labor to start to progress at home. I was having contractions every few minutes and finally my water broke late Saturday night. We called Shawn to come over and stay the night just in case anything got dangerous and we needed someone to stay with the kids. I am SO glad he was there. Around 7am Sunday morning, while miscarrying, I passed out and had a seizure and stopped breathing. Thankfully Shawn was there to assess the situation and help Brent because I was totally out of it! They called 911 and I was taken to Upper Chesapeake. (Poor Cait totally flipped out when they brought the stretcher in. They had all just woken up and had no idea what was going on.)

When I got there I ended up having another seizure while I was hemoraging. Brent was pounding on the window in the room calling for the nurses. It all happened very fast and I don't remember a ton. But guess what doctor came in? The doc that delivered Saige! The one I had tried to get to do the d&e! God is so good!

There were a ton of people in the room and I was getting hooked up on all kinds of machines. They gave me a med to stop the hemoraging and also Dilantin, an anti seizure med. Well, as the nurse was putting it in the IV, everything started going black. I was fully awake but was quickly losing my sight. I told them that I couldn't see and Brent says that they stopped the med because my blood pressure dropped really, really low and they were bringing 2 crash carts into the room. I don't remember anything except being really scared and confused.

After I was stablized I was sent for a d&c. After being through all the stuff in the past few days, that was the least eventful thing that happened! It was cake! Because of the seizures and blood loss I had to be admitted to the hospital. I went for a CAT scan and MRI but neither turned up anything. But, when I had an EEG, the doctor came in for 5 minutes and said, "Well, your brain is 95% normal! Ha! Ha!" (I wasn't laughing. I was in shock and ready to cry.) In a few quick sentences I was deemed seizure-prone, put on medication, and lost all driving rights. Talk about overwhelmed. I've never been more out of all control of my life as I was during that whole experience.
I stayed in the hospital for 3 more days waiting for all test results to be finished and blood count to come up so I didn't have to get a transfusion. (a couple hundredths of a point and I would have)
Finally I was able to go home! I was weak and tired for several weeks till my blood count came up but I was glad it was all over.
Whew. I'm glad these two posts are over. I've been procrastinating writing it all down because it was all so overwhelming, but now that it's done, I can get back on to real life.

A Sad Ending to the Year

Back in September we had found out that we were expecting baby #5. I think I mentioned that in the midst of our Whirlwind Autumn. The next few months were full of the normal morning sickness and tiredness. We did a lot of "sofa school" and cut out a lot of the extras- like cleaning and eating balanced meals! LOL! But, umm....no I'm not joking.

I have to admit that I kept my heart guarded from becoming too excited about this baby since we had just lost one at 16 weeks this past January. Mentally I knew I needed to get past that first appt where we hear the heartbeat and past week 16 before I could really get comfortable with the idea.

Well, at 13 weeks we heard the heartbeat with huge sighs of relief. My wonderful midwife, Evelyn, practically screamed as she cried, "PRAISE GOD". (I cannot tell you how wonderful it is to have a believing midwife!) I started to feel like everything was really "REAL". We went shopping for maternity clothes and started looking at baby stuff with the kids. We didn't buy anything for the baby yet because we were going to find out the gender and I wanted to buy just the right things.

I was due to have another visit around 17 weeks. I was really hoping to know by Christmas whether it was a boy or girl and I knew a sonogram wouldn't be able to be scheduled before then if I waited, so I was able to talk my midwife into letting me get a sonogram in place of my next appointment. We went into the sonogram with lots of excitement and anticipation, but as soon as I saw the tech's face, I knew. I knew that we'd lost this one too. They said that he/she had stopped growing around 13 weeks, so the day we'd heard the heartbeat could have been his/ her last. Sadness reigned. It was even harder to tell the kids since they had been so excited. Cait took it especially hard and we hugged and cried a lot that night.
But, the next morning is when all the real drama started. See, my midwife still wanted to see me the next morning, so we dropped the kids off at my mom's and headed over to Reisterstown. I had planned on just waiting it out and letting nature take it's course like last time, but my midwife really didn't think that was wise since last time I'd had lots of hemmoraging.

My head was spinning. I was still letting the whole death sink in and in 10 minutes I went from going home and letting things happen naturally, to having a d&c to having a d&e, to having to go through labor and delivery with pitocin (since I was so far along). Let me just tell you- I was overwhelmed. Labor and delivery is hard enough, but when you say the word pitocin on top of it, well, it just is enough to send me over the edge. And, I didn't know the doctor who would be doing all of this. (You have to understand- I balk at having a shot, much less all the intervention that forced labor would bring.) My midwife was trying to get in touch with her back up doctor so I could go straight to Mercy Hospital and just get it over with.
Brent and I headed to Panera Bread to get some lunch and wait to hear what time to report to the hospital. I couldn't bear to sit in her office with all the other largely pregnant mommies until the report came. We'll we waited for FOUR hours in that Panera Bread until finally I said, forget it- I'm going home. We can schedule it another day. Well, on the way home in the car, we finally get the call from the back-up doctor's office saying to come to Mercy RIGHT AWAY and I'll be fit in.
We arrived in Mercy and were whisked through registration (in the labor and delivery ward, of course), the nurse gave me a cup to pee in and said to get changed into a gown for my d&e. WHAT?! WAIT! What procedure am I getting? I asked to see the doctor before I did anything. The doctor was very sweet and kind but said that I was getting a d&e, not going through labor and delivery. Oh, and by the way, had I eaten anything?
Well, yes, I had just come from Panera Bread. Oh, boy. Since I'd eaten, I would have to wait until around 7pm that night to have the d&e. Ugh. I just wanted it all over. And sitting in the labor and delivery ward for the next 6 hours was not my idea of fun.
So Brent and I headed out to the car to get the laptop to kill time. As we were coming back in the doctor met us and said the plan changed again. (That's the theme of this story!) She was uncomfortable doing a d&e all by herself since I had the potential to hemmorage and there were no other doctors on staff through the night (talk about making me nervous!)so, I would have to spend the night and get the d&c at 6am or go home and come back at 6am.

I opted for going home. Soooo...EARLY the next morning (btw, we really hadn't seen the kids for 2 days now and I just wanted to be with them so bad!) we headed back to Mercy. I got hooked up for an IV and waited for the doctor. And waited. And waited. Then we found out no one knew WHO was going to do the procedure. I think about 5 different doctors' names were given to us over the course of the day-even though we'd seen no one. Then we found out no one knew WHICH procedure I was getting. D&C, D&E or Labor and delivery- each person said something different. Our confidence in the doctors and nurses was taking a NOSEDIVE.

Brent was totally losing his cool and I was very teary. The final straw was when some doctor came in all matter of fact and said he needed me to sign a consent form for my surgery. I said for what, and he said he didn't know! WHAT?! He didn't have a clue who I was, about my medical history or what procedure I was getting done!
I told him I wasn't signing anything and that I wanted to talk to the doc that was handling my care. He basically said that was impossible since that doctor was still at his clinic and wasn't scheduled to be at the hospital until 12:30pm. Then, WHY did I have to be at the hospital at 6am????
That was enough. Brent demanded an AMA (against medical advice) form and said that we'd lost all confidence in this hospital and doctor(s). We packed up our stuff and left. I was never so glad to be gone from a hospital in my life.
But, that still left me with how to deal with this miscarriage.... continued...

More Puppy Memories

Having puppies around was certainly a great experience- though not without LOTS of work. The first 4 weeks were fairly easy since Sadie did all the clean up work and the pups were too little to climb out of the box. BUT, when week 5 hit- look out! Suddenly they were shimmying themselves out of the box and finding themselves quite pleased with their newly found freedom! I bought a wire bookcase that I reconfigured into a taller pen with room for them to go potty and play. The only problem was that Sadie had a hard time getting in and out. So, we had to get creative and make a lower door for her to jump over, but that the puppies couldn't also get over!

Around this week they also started to eat some mushy food. What a funny mess! They were barely starting to walk so they kept falling over and often fell INTO the food! It didn't matter because one of the other puppies would just start licking the tasty food off the messy pup. We had a blast watching them interact.

The biggest problem was that the kids had to hold them CONSTANTLY! I found myself sounding like a broken record. "Put the puppy down while you eat. Put the puppy down and finish your schoolwork. Put the puppy down when you are in the living room. No, you cannot take the puppy with you to the bathroom." AAAHHHH!


Just when they started being able to climb out of the wire pen, I ended up in the hospital (more on that in the next post!) so my wonderful mom and mother in law got to experience the mayhem of that! They were climbing through the gate in the kitchen doorway and escaping through the house! And, since Sadie had said "Enough is enough!" we got to start cleaning up all their little "presents" throughout the kitchen! Thankfully we had an old baby corral that we kept them in while they were sleeping and eating so we could contain the messes. But, when it was wake-up and play time, the kids and I would arm ourselves with cleaning wipes and get prepared for poop-patrol!

They were so adorable that I was unsure of how I would be able to part with them! Yet, when they reached the 6-8 week stage, I was ready to send them to their families and have my kitchen back again. On January 11 they were ready to go home to their forever families and one by one our house got quieter and cleaner. But the kids got sadder and sadder. There were a few sad tears, but in a few days everyone was back to normal. I've heard back from a few families and everyone is doing well, except for Georgia-who jumped off the owner's table and broke her leg and now needs surgery.

We are glad to have a break but are happily looking forward to the next litter- whenever that is!